Katy Perry Sesame Street Ban a Lesson In Early-Childhood Boobucation

"Eyes up, Elmo"

By now you've heard the argument that the Katy Perry ban on Sesame Street for showing too much cleavage is somehow ironic since most of the heterosexual characters on the show are completely naked, or at least pantless (Big Bird.) But my wife points out that young children like breasts. They're attracted to them for non-sexual reasons.

Why shouldn't Sesame Street and other television shows geared towards young children include more breasts? Not only would it have children paying better attention to the educational content, but fathers everywhere would spend more time with their kids.

The character of The Count, for example, could count boobies. The Number of the Day could frequently be "2." An exploration of cup sizes could help young children learn the alphabet.

I propose a new puppet called "The Boobie Monster." He'd look much like Elmo with his eyes all wide and bugged-out, and he'd have extra-big hands with a lazy tongue that would dangle out his mouth. Kinda like my Uncle Ed, before they took him away.

Mike Largely Unknown

Mike

This weekend I'll be travelling two and half hours north to Saskatoon to see a concert with Mike. I don't know Mike.

Mike is a friend of a friend. That friend had an extra concert ticket that he couldn't use, so that's where I come in.

Here's what I know about Mike: 1) His musical tastes are similar to mine, and 2) Mike is a dancing machine. I know this because I've been out with Mike and have seen him dance the night away.

That's another reason why I don't know Mike, you can't get to know someone if they're dancing all night. I'm not much of a dancer myself (old war injury and too many white genes), and even if I was, Mike and I probably wouldn't have talked much on the dance floor.

I've already decided I can't pack a cooler with my favorite beverages and haul it along in Mike's car because, you never know, Mike might be a neat freak, and I'd like to get off to a good start with Mike. I've already erased any inner hope I have of stopping at the ice cream shop I like on the highway. Not only could Mike be a neat freak, but he could also hate ice cream. He's very thin.

I don't know what kind of car Mike drives, but I hope it's not a Hummer, since I've agreed to pay half the gas. I also hope it's not one of those tiny Smart cars, since I'm a very large man who likes to stretch his legs. If Mike has a motorcycle of some sort, that might be interesting.

It would be especially interesting if Mike's motorcycle has one of those side compartments that I could ride in and not have to put my arms around Mike. Also, I would be more comfortable eating ice cream in the side compartment since it's its own compartment, kinda autonomous from the rest of the motorcycle.

If Mike pulls up in a red sports car, which I think he will (he's young and single), I'll assume he's a fast and dangerous driver. In that case, I'll make sure my seat belt is done up tight against my pelvic bone and hope for the best while blowing extra kisses to my family.

If Mike's car is gray and practical, I'll assume he's a very nice person, without a temper. If it runs on diesel, I'll assume he smokes drugs and the night will be far more interesting than I first expected.

If his car is an old beater and there's garbage strewn about the inside and it smells, I'm going to ask Mike if we can stop for ice cream.

BIEBER SPOTTED AT SEWAGE PUMPING STATION

JAMES UPDATE EXCLUSIVE: When Justin Bieber spent two days in Regina for a concert last week, he was spotted at various wholesome teen venues in town, including a laser tag establishment and a Dairy Queen. But recent reports have also placed him at one of the Queen City's most unsavory locals: a local sewage pumping station located on McCarthy Blvd. in the city's west end.

"He was here for over an hour," said April Holton, 15, the daughter of a City worker, who was called in by her father to see the celebrity. "He was obviously distraught, the place really stinks, and he was looking for something important. But he still made time to smile at me and check out my boobs." said the Martin Collegiate student.  "He's super-cute!" she added.

Holten also brought her boy friend Josh Turbel to see the Ontario-born musician. Turbel says Bieber was at the sewage pumping station on a mission to find a missing stool that was accidentally flushed from his downtown hotel room.

McCarthy St. Sewage Station (Stockton Stock Photos)

"He was really pissed at his body guard dude for flushing the stool because the stool was really important to him. I guess it looked just like (musician) Usher's mother and Bieber wanted to take a picture of the turd to show Usher for his birthday."

The City of Regina did confirm that Justin Bieber did spend some time at the McCarthy pumping station, but would not say why the performer was there or if he located the stool in question.

JAMES ENDORSES TIM HORTONS COFFEE

There is an argument brewing between me and many of my friends: Where should I buy coffee? There are now three camps: Tim Horton's, Robin's Donuts, and (new to the list) MacDonald's.

I'm a fatboy, and as such, I enjoy the Tim Horton's "triple-triple." That's code for lots of cream and sugar because fatboys really don't like coffee, we'd rather be eating cake.

Tim's get's it right. No matter what size of coffee you order the proportion of cream and sugar is always just right. That means, if you order an extra large, which all fatboys do, because that's the only size of anything we know how to order, you don't get a watered down proportion of cream and sugar and have to taste the undessert-like bitterness of coffee.

Robin's has a problem with this, and, as they are less popular than Tim's, have coffee that's not as fresh most of the time. They also tend to serve it boiling hot. I don't want to cradle my coffee for a half hour before I drink it. I'm also not into foreplay.

McDonald's is completely out to lunch when it comes to adding condiments to coffee. Most of the time they don't even do it themselves. They leave it to you to stir in the cream and sugar and make you ask for more. To me, it's like giving you a Coke and having you add the sugar and the bubbles yourself while you're trying to drive away.

Thus, Tim Horton's get's my coveted endorsement as best coffee for the discerning large man on the go. I shall expect my thousand dollar Tim's gift card in the mail in short order.

CBC'S 'QUEEN IN 3D' DOCUMENTARY SPURS PORN INTEREST

The Queen in 3D, a CBC documentary

If the glasses that CBC wanted you to pick up at your local Canada Post outlet looked like the ones pictured on Liz above, I would have by now experienced my first 3D Internet porn. However, the glasses the Mothercorp provided have one blue lens and one orange lens. Some sort of new-fangled 3D system not compatible with what Internet 3D porn.

Internet porn in 3D is upon us but you need the right-colored glasses. Probably best to pick up a box of them in bulk because they're not easy to clean. Not having seen a lot of naked people in my life, I was looking forward to seeing naked people in life-like 3D on the Internet.

I was anxious to see if 3D porn would actually be scary. Forget about ducking out of the way for an erect nipple coming at you, what about a giant erection swinging into frame close up? Would I fall off my chair trying to dodge it? Would ejaculate hurtling toward me in 3D make me throw up my hands in up defense?

All questions unanswered because CBC chose the "non-porn" style of 3D glasses for their documentary showing us how the Queen looks in 3D. I barely got off to that.

Best of the Podcast: "Outside the 'Stones'"

Until I'm up and running again with the podcast after a several-year hiatus, he's JamesPod #39. The Rolling Stones perform down the street at an outdoor stadium and I investigate.



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