Katy Perry Sesame Street Ban a Lesson In Early-Childhood Boobucation

"Eyes up, Elmo"

By now you've heard the argument that the Katy Perry ban on Sesame Street for showing too much cleavage is somehow ironic since most of the heterosexual characters on the show are completely naked, or at least pantless (Big Bird.) But my wife points out that young children like breasts. They're attracted to them for non-sexual reasons.

Why shouldn't Sesame Street and other television shows geared towards young children include more breasts? Not only would it have children paying better attention to the educational content, but fathers everywhere would spend more time with their kids.

The character of The Count, for example, could count boobies. The Number of the Day could frequently be "2." An exploration of cup sizes could help young children learn the alphabet.

I propose a new puppet called "The Boobie Monster." He'd look much like Elmo with his eyes all wide and bugged-out, and he'd have extra-big hands with a lazy tongue that would dangle out his mouth. Kinda like my Uncle Ed, before they took him away.

CBC'S 'QUEEN IN 3D' DOCUMENTARY SPURS PORN INTEREST

The Queen in 3D, a CBC documentary

If the glasses that CBC wanted you to pick up at your local Canada Post outlet looked like the ones pictured on Liz above, I would have by now experienced my first 3D Internet porn. However, the glasses the Mothercorp provided have one blue lens and one orange lens. Some sort of new-fangled 3D system not compatible with what Internet 3D porn.

Internet porn in 3D is upon us but you need the right-colored glasses. Probably best to pick up a box of them in bulk because they're not easy to clean. Not having seen a lot of naked people in my life, I was looking forward to seeing naked people in life-like 3D on the Internet.

I was anxious to see if 3D porn would actually be scary. Forget about ducking out of the way for an erect nipple coming at you, what about a giant erection swinging into frame close up? Would I fall off my chair trying to dodge it? Would ejaculate hurtling toward me in 3D make me throw up my hands in up defense?

All questions unanswered because CBC chose the "non-porn" style of 3D glasses for their documentary showing us how the Queen looks in 3D. I barely got off to that.